A little thing called Envy (and love)

Yes, I have it. I recognize other people receiving those precious smiles, those gurgling coos. When you laugh at something your grandmother does, I get so irritated inside; why wasn't I the one who got that giggle from doing the exact same thing ten minutes earlier?

My favorite time of day is first thing in the morning. When I walk in your room and smile down in your crib; you light up like it's Christmas morning. The biggest toothless grin I ever have seen and it warms me deep down into my core. I treasure and I jealously guard that time. I don't like sharing it. It's my only time to see you love me so purely, before your boredom with me sets in.

I am taken for granted. I am Mom. I will be there for everything, but will receive only small kindnesses in return. I'm not angry, I understand the situation. Your grandmother is a novelty to you; a state fair joy ride of sorts. She comes and goes like seasons. Whereas I am the field where that state fair borrows space. I'll always be there, changing my location only to allow other people to interlope and intercept those cries of joy and coos and giggles of pleasure and wonder. But I will always be there, even when you think I'm gone or unaware. I will always be your mother, and you can always find me in that field. I love you.

Sleeping Through the Night?

You slept so long last night that I woke up concerned at 5:11 this morning. Have we turned over a new leaf? Have we officially started the big "Sleeping Through the Night?" I guess we'll find out tonight if it was a fluke or not. All I know is that your father was very happy you did that - he got out of the "crappy" feeding you usually have at 3:45 every morning. You slept until 7:15 this morning. How exciting!

You've been a whole different baby personality-wise the last week or so. You've started licking things: your lips, the Baby Bjorn, your rattle. You have also been talking to anything out there that will listen! You babble incessantly in the carrier, on the changing table, and at night you are a chatty Cathy! We must be hearing about your day and all your interests so far, but I have yet to decipher the foreign language known as "baby-ese."

Your curiosity seems to know no bounds. We see you staring at everything around you - especially on walks. You love to look at the light coming through the trees and at the different people who pass us by on the sidewalk. You are mesmerized by your toys: that little caterpillar rattle is your best friend. You grab at it and stare like it's the awesomest thing in the world. You are entertained forever with it.

You are waking up from your midmorning nap. You have that nap and a small midafternoon nap. Occasionally, you cat nap around 6pm at night.

I guess we'll see what tonight brings us... hopefully another "Sleep Through the Night!"

The Barrel Rocker

I looked at the little barrel rocker last night that my Grampie made for me when I was a baby. The craftsmanship is amazing. Dark wood cask shaped into a little chair perfect for little bottoms. I'm going to take pictures of you in it, getting bigger and bigger as each week passes.

I can't believe how big you've already gotten. I call you "My Little Munchkin," but you are so much bigger than you were 11 weeks ago when we brought you home from the hospital. It's still hard for me to grasp that you are here; I keep thinking I'll wake up from this fantasy(which is admittedly rather less fantasy and more torture at times), and you'll still be in my belly, kicking and hiccuping away.

It brought tears to my eyes this weekend - you rolled over! You pushed off of your little belly and got to your side. Then, kicking and grunting and a little bit of screeching, you knocked yourself onto your back. Daddy got to see it because I yelled for him to come right away and just as he got in the room, you did it.

As Autumn starts to creep in, with the leaves changing on a few different trees around us, I look forward to all these little milestones you are going to accomplish with the slight tinge of regret. I'm going to hold you as much as I can now, because you are already showing us that you are growing up so fast.

You're becoming such a big girl already. I hope I'm ready for it.

A Sleeping Claire

Claire's sleeping in the swing right now. It's one of the few moments I have during the day with a seven week old that I can get away and collect my thoughts. I haven't really had a moment to sit back and think about what it's like to be a new mom and a new everything yet. I'm doing so much more than just feeding and clothing her. I stare at her to see when she smiles and laughs (which she's doing right on schedule), and I watch for when she tries to roll over (we haven't quite got that milestone yet). Everything has changed in my life. Just everything, and I haven't quite adapted to it yet. I still feel a bit like I'm on a Tilt-a-Whirl and it's going ever faster. Maybe one of these days it'll slow down and be more like a Merry-Go-Round, but it hasn't yet.

One of the things I love to do is looking for the little nuances in her face that show one side of our family or the other. She has Bryce's chin, no doubt. She has my blue eyes, eye shape, and nose. I'm going with Bryce on the forehead and widow's peak... we can add in the ears, I think too. Cheeks, too soon to tell. They are just a chubby bunch of cuteness. Lips look like Bryce, too. And she is so long! I have no idea where she got that from, but it wasn't Bryce or I. It's elsewhere in the family. My parents are tall, and his father is tall, so maybe from one of them, but I'm short as can be, and Bryce is just average in height. It's fun to play these games while she is sleeping and dreaming away.